Why I'll Never Be President

Reporter: "President Jil, could you please comment on North Korea's missle launch today?"

President Jil: "You know, I thought it was really nifty that North Korea decided to celebrate the July 4th holiday, commemerating 230 years of American indepence by shooting off some cute little fireworks in a show of support for American..."

Reporter: "Uh... Mr. President, that was a long-range missle test, not fireworks."

President Jil: "No kidding? Jeez... with 20 bucks, I could go down to Canal Street and buy a rocket that would fly better than those thingies that Kim Jong Il launched today."

(Really: Who could respect a president who says "thingies"?)

Reporter: "So you won't condemn the missle tests?"

President Jil: "How do you say, 'I've lit farts with a Bic lighter that had more bang than your missles' in Korean?"

(See? You just can't occupy the oval office if you're inclined to say such things.)

Reporter: "President Jil, this is a very serious unfolding of events!"

President Jil: "When North Korea can fire a missle across more than a single time zone, let alone a single zip code, then I'll think about a response. Until then, I urge Kim Jong Il to stick with launching flaming kimchi pots with oversized sling shots, because they go farther."

Reporter: "So you aren't concerned about North Korea threatning a nuclear armegeddon?"

President Jil: "Well, with favorable wind conditions and enough string, I'm sure that the North Koreans could get a nuclear-tipped kite over Panmunjom. Really though, can you think of anything more embarrassing than threatening the world with nuclear destruction, and your doomsday weapon goes kaput over the tuna fields of the Sea of Japan? I mean, talk about some seriously bland sashimi!!! Ha!"

(Here, President Jil does a mocking dance in front of the White House Press Corps, then does a snap-snap and retires to the oval office to let Tony Snow pick up the pieces.)