A New Record At Bob's

Bob's BBQ has a standing offer for anyone interested, called The Wagon Wheel Challenge. If you can eat one of Bob's Wagon Wheel Burgers (about 3 pounds total weight, price range 400 to 500 baht depending on toppings) including the french fries in under 45 minutes, Bob will put your name on the Wagon Wheel Hall of fame (a plaque on the wall of his restaurant), put your picture on his website, and knock half the price off your burger.

I had never seen anybody successfully complete one of these monstrous 8-inch burgers in under 45 minutes, though I have witnessed several attempts. However, today, this fellow in the photo came in and took the challenge. (To give you an idea of this man's size, Bob is about 5-foot-10.) This guy ate a 3-pound hamburger (with bacon and cheese) — and a big serving of french fries — in 9½ minutes! That's the equivalent of eating a McDonald's quarter pounder every 45 seconds... not including the time spent on eating the french fries.

Anyway, this record may not be broken for a while, but you are still free to stop by and take the Wagon Wheel Challenge whenever you want.

I'm Not Recommending TQ2 Anymore

OK. Let me explain this. There are two owners of the bar called TQ2 here in Pattaya: One is Mem, who is the widow of my old friend Steve. She "inherited" the controlling half of the bar when Steve died a year ago. The other owner is Alf, who bought half of the bar from Steve on what was unfortunately more or less a handshake and Steve's word.

The only thing that kept Alf's share of the bar and profits where it belonged (with Alf) was the bar manager, Russ.

Russ is a gogo bar guru. He managed to turn TQ2 into a fairly profitable enterprise in a very short period of time, and made sure that Alf got his money and Mem got her money. Mem didn't have to do anything: All she had to do was show up and pick up her share of the profits.

Instead, what Mem did — the day after Alf went on vacation to Australia — was to fire Russ.

Based on the number of times that Mem tried to walk out Alf's share of the profits, and the number of times the Russ managed to stop her (along with the number of times she actually succeeded), it is pretty safe to assume that the only reason Mem fired Russ is because she wants to steal Alf's money and Alf's share of the bar.

I know Alf is a regular reader of this blog, and if he wants to comment and shed a different light on the situation than I just did, I'll be more than happy to add his thoughts and edit what I've written here. But for now, knowing what I know, I have to take a stand and warn you about what kind of person you are supporting when you patronize TQ2 from this point forward.

All in all, it's a very sad thing. I know Steve is turning in his grave.

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Alf in the comments section says: "TQ2 has been going now for 17 years. It's had it's ups and downs, but it's still there. That's why I love it so much. I'll be back in TQ2 in early April and hope to see you there. Those of you who I don't know come over and say hi and it'll be my pleasure to buy you a drink."

All I can say Alf, is if you can manage to keep your share of the bar to which you have almost no claim, receive your fair share of the profits which you're never allowed to see, and keep TQ2 from being driven into the ground when you have no managerial control, by a woman who is bound and determined to rob you blind, over whom you have no authority, I'll be the one to buy you a drink, with all apologies for having doubted you... and I'll buy that drink in TQ2 when I next come back to Thailand if it is still open.

Sorry Alf, but I can't stand Mem... nobody who knew Steve can. We all despise her. Any bad thing you can think about a Thai woman — you know as well as I do — you can think it about Mem. I refuse to let that woman live the good life on my dollar, because she doesn't deserve it: She stole it from you, my good friend.

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UPDATE:

By the way everyone: The word from my friend Ray is that he knows where Russ (and his son Lance) will be managing next, and he'll be announcing it on the Pattaya Secrets board before the end of the weekend.

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UPDATE:

I'm just going to add as one more thought that I had: Alf is going to get TQ2 back eventually. Mem is going to run the place into the ground in no time, she'll default on the rent within a few months, and Alf and friends will be there to snatch TQ2 right out of that woman's greedy and incompetent little hands, and she'll wind up with nothing. When that happens, all party roads will once again lead to TQ2.

See you there. See you then.

Bob Bakes A Big Burger

Bob cooked another one of his world-record-sized hamburgers today, this time at the order of a Japanese film crew doing a documentary on Pattaya. The film crew asked nicely not to put their stars faces on the internet, so I haven't, but apparently they are famous in Japan. Being famous in Japan is like being a good-looking armadillo: Nobody except the armidillos are aware of it. But, if you do know any Japanese people famous for wearing a dish towel as a bandanna, please let me know in comments.

Pattaya Now Has Taxis

I saw these two taxis today on Beach Road. If you'll notice they say "Pattaya Taxi" on the windsheilds. They seem to be standard meter taxis which Pattaya has never had before. The Thai urge to scam tourists seems to be alive and well, however: I talked to one of the drivers, and he quoted me 200 baht to go to Jomtien. No mention of using the meter. I imagine a similar distance in Bangkok in a proper metered taxi would be about half that. Looks to be strictly transportation for tourists who don't know any better.

Aikido Lessons In Pattaya

Epril and I are taking a series of Aikido martial arts classes with our friend Geordan Reynolds at the martial arts center in Mike Shopping Mall, 4th floor. For those of you who don't know, Aikido is the martial art that focuses primarily on using an attacker's energy against him or her, while minimizing your own effort and minimizing injury to all parties involved. It is a particularly good martial art for the old, the small, and the weak, because strength is not a requirement.

Geordan loves to teach, and anybody who is interested in taking classes (very reasonably priced) can e-mail Geordan at edu.specialists@gmail.com.

Harris Black Tries To Be Liked

Pattaya's most famous sociopath and convicted rapist, and JIP Wannabe, Harris Black, is back on the internet again, trying to get people to like him the only way he can anymore: As an anonymous poster named "Piker" over at Thaivisa.com, trying to create a "Daily Report" type post on the Pattaya Forum called "What I Saw In Pattaya Today."

He's got the same pointless observations about his day as I do in my daily reports, he has photos of the dishes he eats, reports on local tourist destinations, and even panaromic views from his natty studio apartment. What's funny though is he adds photos of the smiling faces of Thai salesgirls he bumps into as if to say, "See, not everyone gives me a sneering look of contempt when they look at me."

Well, after a bit more nosing around, it looks like Pattaya may be losing Harris soon, as he is apartment hunting in Hua Hin, where probably fewer people recognize him, and fewer bar girls want to kill him. (Hint on the recognizing thing Harris: Name change, beard, do-rag, and sunglasses. Don't knock it till you've tried it.) Although how he can survive on 30,000 baht per month is beyond me... that's less than I get by on per week. Well, I suppose when you have no friends and no social life, it's possible.

Heheh... OK, that's enough enjoyment for now making fun and hurting the feelings of a dispicable little man's sad attempt at trying to be like me.

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UPDATE:

Heh. That was short-lived. "Piker" has been banned from Thaivisa.com. Oh well.

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UPDATE 2:

Checkidout: Harris likes to tease me about my weight, but it turns out he is almost as fat as I am.

(Okay, okay... I'm really am done teasing him now. Back to posts with a point.)

Read about Harris' newest scam here.

Pattaya News Roundup

Hey everyone: There's a water shortage in Pattaya. Well, as I mentioned, the water has been out at my house for the better part of a week. Of course, it won't be until the rainy season before this problem goes away... sometime in March or April is about average. Then Songkran comes and everybody throws water in the streets.

It's sad that it takes an old lady tourist sitting on a hospital gurney after having fallen down a hole in the construction area on Thappraya Road that has lain dormant for a year to get any action from Pattaya City Hall on fixing Pattaya's biggest construction mess. Well, here's hoping that her injury wasn't in vain.

I'm not surprised that this kind of thing is against the law, but I had never heard anybody being arrested for taking coral before. However, it should go without saying: Don't take stuff from the ocean around Pattaya. In fact, just to be safe, it is probably best just to leave the floating plastic bags and other garbage where you find it too.

This is just what Pattaya needs actually: More naked ladies running around in the street. Seriously: If you want to increase tourism, have more naked ladies running around... even if they are crazy. I'd sit at a roadside bar all night just to watch crazy naked ladies run by every few minutes. (Well, they did get rid of the elephants that used to stop by the bars.)

Pattaya Numbers Up, But Not As Much As Hoped

After a dismal 2006 tourist season, the number of tourist arrivals appears to be up in 2007 by about 10% over the previous year, but that falls below the Tourism Authority of Thailand's expectations.

I would suspect that most of the year-to-year improvement comes from an increase in Asian tourists in Pattaya. Unfortunately, these are package tourists who never frequent attractions or venues or local businesses which are not part of their rigidly-orchestrated travel schedule. These type of tourists spend very little money outside of the initial cost of their travel package, and provide very little benefit to the small businesses which represent, I would guess, about three-quarters of Pattaya's economic activity.

It's simple really: For most people in Pattaya, one 40,000-baht-per-week Caucasian sex tourist is better than forty 1,000-baht-per-week Asian package tourists.

Filed Under "WTF?"

Thugs in Pattaya are really getting flagrant — and police are really getting impotent — if this scene captured by Pattaya City News is any indication: A gang of guys were beating the crap out of two other guys on Third Road. One police officer showed up and tried to intervene, and even discharged his firearm into the air an attempt to stop the fight. When the assailants were finished, they walked away from the police officer to a waiting car (first photo, here on the right), got in and drove away while a second mounted motorcycle officer watched them drive away, while his gun was pointed at them (second photo). "No further police action was taken" according to Pattaya City News.

Either Pattaya City News videotaped two guys being beaten with police permission, or the two guys did something so bad to merit a beating that, after the fact, the cops decided they deserved it. Hell: The license plate on the car is clearly visible on the link above; it's not like the police can't find these guys if they wanted to.

Perhaps the guys who were beaten told the officers to forget about it, but that is really beside the point: These cops were totally blown off while trying to stop a crime.

If I were one of the police officers who was videotaped in such an embarassing situation — no matter the circumstances — I'd take a really personal interest in hunting these guys down in this particular instance.

Pattaya News Roundup

In a story that seems to sum up Pattaya perfectly, the son of one of the world's richest men had fallen in love with a kathoey (ladyboy) and was going to leave his wife. He then forged divorce documents so that he could take half of the $4 million property in the divorce which he had put totally in his wife's name. Rich people don't go to jail in Thailand over stuff like this, but that makes it no less amusing.

About 80,000 (very sober) Thai people turned up to vote at the Chonburi police headquarters last weekend to vote in absentee balloting. Next weekend, it's the same thing all over again. Pattaya has a 60-day high season, and it has to be closed for 10 of those days. With profits already down because of low numbers of people traveling, this is going to be a particularly grim year for Pattaya businesses.

Now we have a story of "My dad can beat up your dad", as two kids got in a fight, and then their fathers, who are cousins, got in a fight over the kids fighting. The unlucky fellow in the fight wound up in the hospital with a slashed neck.

Pattaya News Roundup

Pattaya is hosting the Southeast Asian Games this year, and the sailing competition is being held in the waters close to the Ocean Marina Yacht Club in Jomtien. I'm not much of a fan: Sailing is to racing what speed-walking is to running. But if it is your thing, stop by. Competition ends on Friday.

With high season in full swing here in Pattaya, the thieves are out in force. They seem particularly desperate this year, snatching tiny little necklaces and impossible-to-fence watches like the one in this picture. This probably has a lot to do with tourists learning to leave their valuables at home when going out for the night in Pattaya.

Pattaya City government has finally decided to start planning for this year's New Year party... 2 weeks beforehand. Better late than never. Pattaya's other fun spot, Bali Hai pier, will be the place for everyone who enjoys officially-sanctioned New Year's merriment; anywhere else for the rest of us.

Stupid Tourist Contest, New Entry

In order to qualify for the Stupid Tourist category, a person has to be the victim of their own stupidity... usually by getting robbed. Most applicants are Middle-Easterners who bring street-walking prostitutes back to their hotel room, without having the hotel's front desk take the girl's or guy's ID card.

Today, we have two Frenchmen who really have done a good job at opening up a whole new approach to Stupid Tourism... a new debacle of dumbness... a new process of pinheadedness. It's really the setup that makes it a classic:

(1) Put 4,000 Euros ($5,000, 150,000 baht) in your pockets.
(2) Go out with your buddy looking for fun.
(3) Find 2 ladyboys who suit your fancy.
(4) Follow the 2 strangers to some dark room in a bad neighborhood.
(5) Act really surprised when 2 guys with guns burst in and rob you.
(6) Run and find the nearest police and become...

Stupid Tourists #28 and #29, robbed, and filmed

Jacobsson Karl Edvard Has Died

It would probably be safe to assume that 99% of people, including myself, have... had... no idea who this guy is... was. For most people who wouldn't know otherwise, he's just a guy who got old and died after a slip and fall in the bathroom.

But this was a guy who at 77 years of age was a go-kart racing champion, a part-time fitness instrutor, and was enjoying the fun and sun here in Pattaya. Who cares that he died? He lived: That's what matters. He really lived.

And that ends the lesson. Congratulations to you, Mr. Jacobsson Karl Edvard, on having had one hell of a good life. Sorry it had to end when you were still young.

Memorial For Steve Blumenthal on the 14th

Steve's photo credit:
Photo By LoveLife (JKConsultants)This coming Friday marks the 1-year anniversary of the death of Steve Blumenthal, one of my best friends, owner of TQ2, and one of the nicest guys to ever live here in Pattaya. In an effort to pay respect to Steve's life and the wonderful effect he had on so many of us, several of his friends have worked all year long raising money for a memorial for Steve.

They have raised 90,000 baht, and this Friday at 4:30, Steve's friends will be gathering at the Mercy Center orphanage to distribute a vast truckload of household items for the children which that money has purchased. Everyone is invited to attend, and if you haven't donated to Steve's memory already, the opportunity to donate at the orphanage will be made available if you chose to.

The Mercy Center is reached by taking Soi Nong Yai, which is opposite and just north of Pattaya North Road, and driving along until you turn right on Soi 8, past "Park Hill" until you see the place on your left. (See the map below for a general description... click for larger version.)
For those unable or unwilling to transport themselves, you can meet at Secrets Bar on Soi 14 off Walking Street at 3:30 p.m. to catch a ride at 4:00 p.m.

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Even better: Here is a Google Maps to get you there.

View Larger Map

Pattaya News Roundup

A guy trying to steal a free view to a charity concert given by the Lions Club of Naklua Pattaya nearly got himself killed. He fell bonkety-bonk out of the tree he was perched in so that he could see into the concert instead of paying the 200-baht entry fee. Sometimes the immediacy of karmic retribution is quite surprising, isn't it?

A german man had his mobile telephone stolen after buying the world's ugliest kathoey a few drinks at a bar down on Beach Road. Sometimes the immediacy of karmic retribution is quite surprising, isn't it? The thief was caught and the guy got his phone back. Hopefully he used the phone to call God and apologize for his bad taste in "women".

The "Old Persons Club of Pattaya" (that would be old Thai people; the "Old Persons Club of Pattaya" for farangs meets every Thursday night at TQ2) had a birthday party for Thailand's favorite old fellow, His Majesty. I love this picture: Note all the white hair on the old Thai people.

Pattaya News Roundup

The drivers of the massive 2-story tour busses in Pattaya have a really bad habit of thinking that they are still driving their little scooters that get them to work, instead of a 14-ton building-sized vehicle. These gigantic vehicles are very, very dangerous. Just ask this lady's family, who had their loved one killed by a bus driver who took off from a red light a few seconds before it turned green.

Apparently big boy elephants, like Vulcans, only get horny once every 7 or 8 years... but when they do, you'd much rather be facing down one of the tourist busses mentioned above than a prurient pachyderm. This being Pattaya, you'd think there would be a bargirl elephant around for the poor fellow to barfine, but trauquilizer darts in the ass and a bondage session were all this beastie got.

I think that the only things left lying around that poor Thai people won't steal to sell for cash are dirty flip-flops. Steel and copper cables though, and drain and sewer covers and other scrap iron... that's as good as gold to petty Thai thieves. A couple of tons of scrap iron lying around is apparently too much of an opportunity to pass up. Let's just hope that these guys don't learn the value of train rails.

Pattaya News Roundup

The king gave his annual speech on Sunday, and urged Thai people to reduce prejudice. Sounds like a good idea, although I cannot for sure say if the king was talking about prejudice amongst the Thai people, or prejudice of the Thai people towards non-Thai people. Well, stopping either one would be a step in the right direction.

Thai drug users are always getting busted at "drug parties". Personally, if I were going to do something that could land me in prison for a year or two, I'd do it alone, far away from anybody else. I wouldn't go to a hotel room with half a dozen other people and crank up the tunes. But that's just me... a bit of a party pooper, I suppose.

The recent attack on a foreigner by a watch salesmen in Soi Diana has the police now rounding up all of the fake goods salespeople in town. That's about a thousand Thai people out of work because of one belligerent prick who couldn't sell his watches. I'm going to miss my pirated DVD salespeople if they go. Oh well.

Pattaya News Roundup

I'm not sure which is a worse idea: Deciding to build yet more over-priced condominiums and houses in the over-saturated Pattaya real estate market, or deciding to open a real estate company in order to try and sell the thousands of over-priced condominiums and houses in the over-saturated Pattaya real estate market that have already been built. People with more money than sense... yada yada yada.

Gay Thai guys have a pretty easy time of things in Thailand. Just as long as when they are 30 years old, they get married and have a family, and keep the gay thing on the down-low (which is what they usually do), nobody complains. However, nobody in Thailand likes lesbians... as illustrated by one lesbian's older sister, who sliced up her own arm to demonstrate her displeasure at her sister's sexuality.

It seems whenever a Russian walks into one of Pattaya's malls, bad things happen. You never hear much about them getting in bar fights, having a bad time with GoGo girls, or getting robbed by kathoeys... but as soon as they get close to a shopping center, it all goes wrong for them. So here is today's entry: Russian guy flips up saleslady's skirt with back scratcher. Jailarity ensues.

Champagne AGoGo Bar Brawl Story Not Accurate

Bob and his buddies a few doors down from Champagne AGoGo on Soi LK Metro were talking about this bar fight on Friday night. According to the story, a customer got punched, pepper sprayed, and generally beaten down by owner and staff in Champagne AGoGo over a 60-baht dispute on the customer's bill.

Yes... sort of.

However, as always, there is more to the story.

First off, I'll add this bit of information, which I heard from the fellows sitting around drinking at Bob's: The argument was about the price of lady drinks.

That is something I noticed that Champagne AGoGo which really does need to change: You see, there are "lady drinks" for 95 baht, and there are "lady cocktails" for 125 baht, and given that little bit of knowledge, you just know exactly what must have happened to start this argument — especially if the dancers are getting paid more money for having a "lady cocktail" purchased for them than they get for a "lady drink".

I saw those 95-baht and 125-baht signs last Friday when I was in there with Bob and Epril, and commented on them, and I did think to myself that if you pull a pricing stunt like that in a GoGo bar, it's only a matter of time before a fight over the check starts.

That having been said...

The owner of the bar wasn't interviewed for the article in The Nation, and as always, getting your facts from a drunk, beaten-up, pissed-off fellow does not represent the best journalistic practices.

It seems that the customer and his "dispute" was actually an enraged and exceptionally over-sized Norwegian fellow threatening to crack the owner of Champagne AGoGo (A British fellow named Jason) with a beer bottle. Jason corked the guy once in the nose before the beer bottle started swinging, and then another customer gave the big guy a snout-full of pepper spray, and then the doorman escorted the fellow out of the bar without any further violence on anyone's part.

That sounds a little bit more accurate than what The Nation wrote with the "bar owner attacks innocent customer" lede. (Really: If you were the owner of a 20-million baht business, would you risk it over a fist-fight for 60 baht?)

Like I said though, Jason, if you are reading: Change that lady drink / lady cocktail thing in your bar. It's a bad idea, as I think this episode illustrates.

But still: I enjoyed Champagne AGoGo just fine (read about it here)... and their free pizza Fridays are certainly great. I do fully recommend the place regardless of this bit of bad publicity. Just caveat emptor on the lady drinks... or lady cocktails... or whatever.

Pattaya News Roundup

Pattaya People newspaper is surprised to find that the beauty and fashion industries are doing well in Pattaya. News flash guys: When women get depressed, they go shopping and get their hair done. When women want to meet a man, they go shopping and get their hair done. When women are happy, they go shopping and get their hair done.

A Thai fellow was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to his thigh. He claimed that it was a drive-by shooting. Nice try... but if he didn't want the police to know that he had accidentally shot himself with his illegal firearm, the least he could have done was make a fake bullet hole in his pants before getting to the hospital.

Residents of the loudest country on earth are finally complaining about the noise. People near the new airport have decided that the karaoke bars and fruit vendor trucks and chain-saw motorcycles were bad, but the 166 flights that land and take off near their houses overnight is a little extreme. "Som nom na"Oh well." "That's life." "Serves you right."," said the judge when they sued.