Down In The Dumps... Otherwise Okay.

Depression isn't an emotion... it's a state of being. Depression should actually be called "deflation" so as to avoid confusion.

For five months now, I've ended every optimistic thought I've had with "when I get my tax return." (Working overseas, the first $80,000 you earn is tax-free, and represents about 2 months' salary mailed back to me by the IRS.)

My taxes got filed. The IRS acknowledged receipt. On the IRS website, I could count down the days before the money showed up in my bank account. I was giddy with anticipation.

February 10th came and went. No money. Since then, I've been checking my bank account online every so often, hoping beyond hope that the money will be there. No money. The IRS website says it's been sent. No money.

A heavy blanket has slowly fallen on me as each day goes by. I'll lie in bed and stare blankly at the window and think happy thoughts... and be happy. Then I'll fall asleep... and have happy dreams. Then I'll wake up and think about how my money (all the relief it would bring, all the problems it would solve) is still missing. Then I'll sit in front of my computer, and type, and type, and type. (At least I work from home, so there is no real physical effort involved with working, and no people to interact with. At least I have a maid to send out to do all the chores.) Then I eat lunch. Then I lie and stare at the window with the happy thoughts. Then the happy dreams again. Then type and type and type. Then an hour of TV. Then I play with the cats. Then it's back to bed... 12, 14 hours a day in bed: Where (the only-in-my-dreams) happiness is.

There is no sadness. No tears. Nothing of the sort really. I had Mike and Riza over yesterday for drinks and had a great time. Heck... the more people I have around, the better off I am. It's when I'm alone by myself staring at the window when the heavy blanket falls, and things get bad... happy: The dreaming.

And that's what depression is... for me at least. It's when sleeping is more fun than being awake, when the memory of happy dreams stay with you to buoy you when you are awake, and when everything you do when you are awake reminds you of how much you would rather be happily asleep.

(You know, just to reassure you, I'm the last person on earth who would ever ponder suicide, but I'll bet this is why people do it: They think that death is the ultimate, eternal, happy sleep.)

I'm quite sure this is "depression lite" that I am experiencing: A mild case of deflation. I imagine that given the right circumstances, what I am experiencing could double, triple, square itself. That would really be a blast, I'm sure.

Well, I'm not worried yet. Since I know exactly what caused my depression, I assume to know exactly what will lift my depression. I will only start to worry when I log into my bank account, see that my tax refund has finally arrived, and then promptly turn off the computer monitor and climb back into bed.